I’ve suspected it for a few weeks now, honestly, maybe months, but wasn’t really able to put it into words until this week. First, there is that feeling of restlessness, things just aren’t feeling complete, like no matter what I do, it isn’t quite enough. And yet, it isn’t awful. I get to the end of my day feeling tired and accomplished … but as though something is left undone.
Eventually, this starts to push me toward the rabbit hole. My busy work feels pointless and holds me prisoner; static. “But it’s all good! Not awful!” I write out what I do, what I want and how to get there. I meditate. I go for a walk, see a movie, relax. I take time for the important things in life, grandkids, family, friends. I get my toes done...again. But I can’t seem to fit back into what I was doing and I am feeling at a loss. I know change is coming, but it’s still just past the horizon. All I know is that the weather has shifted and my course needs to shift too. So, I wait.
I don’t like waiting.
I like to move. Up. Down. Forward. Move.
I start to head down the rabbit hole. The one that keeps me from seeing the wider view. At first it feels like depression (probably because it is) but, even depression offers insights. I look around the rabbit hole while I am there. Why not? Maybe this hole has something new. I look closely at what I am passing on the way down...and see the culprit growing on the sides as I pass by. Aha! I grab hold and haul us both out.
So, here I sit, legs dangling on the edge of the hole, head back, breathing in the sun with my new perspective blooming beside me.
It was time to grow, to offer more and to ask more of me. To let the sides of what I had built and who I am fall away and grow. Others grow with me. It was just time. I needed to stop creating one way to do things and let in the new.
Change happens like that. For me, it is pretty much the same way - always. I get a feeling I am lost, like nothing is working and I am chained forever to never going forward. I spiral and strip way my value, blurt it to my friends until I see the bloom on the wall of the rabbit hole and can grab it. It’s never clear at first, always a list of things that are unraveling like a giant kite ribbon. It flaps and twirls in the air as it races away, bumping against the currents. Eventually, all the ribbon is let out and the kite can soar. It can do what it was made for. I think that is what a lot of my “process” is about. The depression, the muddle-head, the antsy, the many words to describe this - all are my inner guide trying to line me up so my ribbon can unfurl… trying to get me to let go of things that don’t define who or where I am now and let them settle so the kite can fly a little higher.
Change is never just a simple act of stepping forward. It is also letting go. Looking at what I have and letting it be. It may or may not belong on my next step, but it doesn’t mean I have to carry it.